Reality Check of the Word
“You are much to young to have a baby!”
“Having a family isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”
“Yeah, I wish I had waited much longer to start a family because there was just no time for me after the kids came.”
“You haven’t been married long enough to start a family.”
“Kids are just so much work, it’s hard to remember that it’s worth it.”
“Get prepared to give up everything that’s important to you.”
Reading the above statements you might think that I’m referring to comments made to the feature of a talk or television show. Unfortunately this is not the case. These are all actual statements that have been said to me at various times within the six months of my pregnancy thus far. Maybe then you would think that surely I was told these things at the gym, grocery store, bank or workplace. Unfortunately this is also not the case. These are all things that I was told by people who attend my church.
This summer Bobby and I were excited to share with people that we are having our first baby. Since then numerous people approach us or make passing comments regarding family and child rearing. It seems that everyone has a tidbit to share, their two-cents on the matter. I, in particular, am approached by women (and men) I don’t even know who thrust their advice that I “should” do or not do a numerous amount of things from, “You must not have the baby in a hospital, midwife is the only way to go” to “You definitely shouldn’t find out what the baby is, it will completely ruin the surprise and magic of the day it’s born!” People either have big opinions on what to do or not do, or are intent on voicing their perspective on what having a family has meant to them.
At church on Sunday I noticed a friend’s mother was visiting from out of state. She came over and gave me a hug and we chatted briefly. Before she walked back to her seat she looked me in the eyes and said, “Having a family is a gift from God…it’s such an enjoyable experience.” This was one of only a handful of times that anyone had spoken of having a child positively to me and I was inspired.
It isn’t that I want to think life is some fairytale. I don’t want to be unrealistic. I realize that I do not know what it is like because I am not a mother yet, but I do no think that experience is more important than what Scripture says about who I must be and the purpose of my interactions with others. I am sure that all of these people mean well in sharing their thoughts and are simply hoping to give me their bent on things or a reality check. They are certain that we will have this baby and suddenly say to all of their predictions, “You were all right!”
Sadly, most people only talk about their perspective, their experience. There is an increasing focus being placed on experience. People seem to think that you don’t understand because you haven’t been where they have. Or that you shouldn’t share your thoughts unless there is some long history to back your words. It makes me wonder what happened to men and women of God who follow Him with their whole heart in obedience and faithfulness living dynamic lives of devotion to prayer, study of the Word and victory over sin. Are there even people who live this way without trumping on experience or regularly weighing in their excuses, pressures and trials? It seems to me that they are few and far between.
When it comes to the titles “wife” and “mother” the title “Christian” seems to straggle behind. So many things are justified. People act as though God’s power and grace reigns only at church and occasionally in my “quiet time” but it just doesn’t cut it when it comes to my spouse or my children. Suddenly I’m on my own trying to cope through the struggles of every day real life. Surely God doesn’t reign there.
The overwhelming majority of people who talk with me about family rarely even mention what the Bible has to say about it. I am thankful for the bits of encouragement like my mom said the other day, that when I’m up all night with the baby that I ought to use that time to spend in prayer with the Lord. Or how one person encouraged me to make sure Bobby and I spend meaningful and uplifting time together to maintain a God-honoring marriage. Most of the advice I receive tends to be more human-centered, circumstance-oriented and hopeless.
I have been searching Scripture for light on this common approach to family, circumstances and life and have found the most compelling words on this matter in Ephesians, chapters four, five and six. I encourage you to read these three chapters in their entirety, but to sum up some of Paul’s points below are some excerpts that stood out to me from these chapters. In addressing our call as believers, Scripture is clear and sometimes difficult to swallow. It is very natural to make exceptions for ourselves in regards to our circumstances, but this could never fit with the call “Follow Me”. It is important to see that a believer must mirror Christ in all. Not just in his spiritual gifts of service or role as a friend. And we must be dedicated to follow in all times and circumstances regardless of health, situation or time. Christ likeness is what we are called to in all roles–spouse, parent, sibling, child and friend.
Character
“He who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it,
and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work,
this one will be blessed in what he does.”
James 1:25
November 1st, 2005
Hello again, Christa…
Oh…I’m sorry that you’ve run into that kind of opposition about your pregnancy.
Now I see — different perspectives for sure! I attend a church where families thrive in the 6-12 person range. And we don’t send ours away all day to be educated by the humanists, either. If someone has only two children it is because they are very young and newly married or the LORD has closed their womb (an example of “getting to” obey). We recognize that children are a blessing, a reward and that we are commanded to obedience in yielding ourselves to God’s first command of “be fruitful and multiply.” One has to wonder how Christians reconcile their family planning attitude and measures against the clear words of scripture.
Did you know that women who use medication to prevent pregnancy could actually be aborting countless conceptions over the course of their lifetime? Ask your doctor — you may have to “back her into a corner” to get a straight answer, but eventually they’ll be clinical and give you the straight truth.
I can recommend an encouraging book with more facts than I can share: Be Fruitful & Multiply by Nancy Campbell. Though she is not exhaustive in her presentation of all the complicated variables involved in the blessing of this obedience, she will not disappoint the woman who would like to hear godly encouragement for her humble role as Mother.
November 1st, 2005
Christa- Thank you for passing on the encouragment! Thankfully I haven’t had too many people make off-comments in my 5 months, but I’ve certainly heard the “should have waited longer to enjoy just you and Matt.”
I believe it IS possible to understand parenting before you have a baby in hand. You observe other families, including your own, as an adult…marry that with what you know of Scripture on parenting…and presto! A REAL picture of what parenting is. Not a fairytale at all, but also one of the biggest blessings of life.
November 1st, 2005
Oh! That’s precious, Spanish Morning. I want you to print that comment and read it again in 15 days, 15 weeks, 15 months, and especially in 15 years.
Doesn’t the bible exhort the older women to teach the younger how to love their husbands and children? Is that assignment arbitrary or does it have something to do with…EXPERIENCE! Do you recognize your attempt to get around that with your “presto recipe?”
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
November 2nd, 2005
Hi, You don’t know me. I found your Blog by “accident.”
I just want you to know, that as a father and a man of God, I believe your position is absolutely RIGHT! It is such a shame when brothers and sisters sow such negative comments into others’ lives. Don’t receive them, and stay true to your convictions in the Word. (Ps 119:100, Ro 3:4) Experience is important, but only if it is subject to the Word as the ultimate authority and test.
Children are such a wonderful and precious gift from the Lord. The hard work part is true too, but if that is what you focus on you have totally missed the point! If you won the holiday of a lifetime, would you come back grumbling about how long you had to wait at the airport?? I really can’t understand it!
Continue to speak positively about your pregnancy and your children. God will vindicate you!
November 2nd, 2005
Children are a tremendous blessing! I have come to a place where I see it is the hard work of raising them for the Lord that is the biggest blessing.
It, at times, is a perfecting fire. There is nothing bad about that if you are willing.
Your awe of God will deepen, your trust in Him will take on more meaning and later you will see yourself even more as He sees you as He holds them up to you to serve as a mirror and then brings you to the plumb line of scripture to convict you.
Praise God for children. Pray God makes us faithful as we guide them.
November 2nd, 2005
Christa, Praise the Lord for your friend’s mother! I wholeheartedly echo what she shared with you.
It grieves my heart to read of the comments made to you from some of the people in church. How sad.
I’m so excited for you and your hubby! Will there be challenges at times? Absolutely, but I know that you and Bobby will seek out the Lord’s wisdom and He will be faithful to guide and direct. Congratulations again!
November 2nd, 2005
To what “anonymous” said in response to my first comment…
You completely skipped over the “observe other families, including your own…” part that I said in addition to knowing Scripture. THAT my friend is where learning from older women comes in. I have SEEN their experiences with my ump-teen cousins, both younger and older children. I have also watched my parents raise my little sister, 11 years my younger. It is through their parenting and the children’s behaviors that I have learned what raising children is about…that it is not a fairytale AT ALL. I IN NO WAY am “getting around” anything with a “presto recipe.” I cherish the relationship I have with my grandmother, mother, and aunts and what I have learned from both observation of them and their words of advice.
What on earth has your experience been for you to assume that there is no one out there who can be as fully prepared for parenting as one can be without having a child?
I find it ironic that Christa would have such an encouraging post and then one of her commenters would attack her pregnant friend’s positive comment.
November 2nd, 2005
Dawn- I agree with you, that we can learn a great deal from what we observe in our own families and others. This is a good way for us to put away any unrealistic fairytale expectations and understand better what it will really be like for us. Also, coupling that with our faith as we fully relying on what Scripture teaches us, is the only place to begin.
Claire- Thanks so much for the encouragement:).
Chris- Thank you for reading, I really appreciated your thoughts as a father. I was encouraged when you said to stay true to the Word and that Scripture is the ultimate authority and test for experience. That is a very uplifting approach to the hard work of raising a child or any other challenge that we face. Thank you so much for commenting.
I also appreciate that it was said that all challenges can be a “perfecting fire”. I definitely think that this is God’s purpose for us in all things, and I am thankful for that reminder similar to James 1:2-3, “Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” So often it seems that we just want God to make life easy and happy, but His goal is singular…to make us holy.
November 2nd, 2005
Spanish Morning…
I’m sorry that I made you feel attacked. I’m sorry that I spoke sarcastically to you. I repent. Please forgive me. I hope I can be more graceful in my speech.
If I read or memorize the best book ever on aviation, should I presume that I am as equipped to meet the challenges of flight as a seasoned fighter pilot? Or, should I humbly admit that while all the answers for flying are there, I can’t know exactly how I’ll apply them until I’m doing it?
I would like to meet the godly woman with any reasonable amount of experience (at least 5 weeks because that’s when babies stop sleeping all day long :)) who can honestly recall and bear witness that “Yes, I knew exactly what parenthood would be like, and it is exactly as I knew it would be.”
You and Christa clearly want to raise children for the Lord and so I say, “God bless!”
November 2nd, 2005
P.S. Spanish Morning…you asked (though perhaps rhetorically) what on earth my experience had been? Hard. Resistant. Unsupportive. Mocking. Despised. Lonely at times. Challenging. Redemptive. Delightful. Glorious.
November 2nd, 2005
Possibly someone could help me here. What can a person learn from a couple who disowns their parents, their siblings and some of their own children supposedly in the name of God. Can’t be sure since they won’t justify their actions by actually telling anyone.
November 2nd, 2005
Anonymous who has been commenting to me-
Thank you for clarifying. I was distraught by your reaction…but understand MUCH better where you are coming from now. I like your aviation analogy, and it leads me to clarify. I (and Christa I am sure) am not saying that I am 100% ready for anything parenthood will throw at me. Neither of us can ever know exactly what parenthood will be like because 1) We will always be changing as we mature and grow in Christ and 2) EVERY child we have will be different. So even after working to raise one child, there is no telling what parenting challenges and blessings the next one will present.
What I (we) are simply saying is that we are MORE prepared than probably most women out there who are having babies BECAUSE we have been incredibly blessed to grow up in families that hold true to Christian values in addition to having young children. Because we have been able to watch their experiences -mistakes and success- there will not be as many shocking suprises for us. Not that our parenting will be void of all suprises, but we are prepared for many circumstances that will come our way. I personally think that Christa’s 9 year old sister and my 12 year old sister have aided our observations the most…because we were (and are) old enough to watch our parents raise a child from birth onward.
To not take up more space than I should in a simple comment…all that to say that I think we agree with you, Anonymous, and that you agree with us. We just have different ways of presenting it because we each know what has gone on in our own lives and know how prepared we are/were for the blessing of parenthood!
November 2nd, 2005
Spanish Morning…well said, and I thank you very much for taking the time and energy to do so. I, too, have been distraught by the way we were communicating. The Lord bless you for your strong and selfless desire to be at peace with everyone so far as it is up to you. You could have ignored me completely just because you don’t know me, but I am truly blessed because you didn’t.
Enjoy your pregnancy and your baby. You will be in my prayers tonight — just because.
November 3rd, 2005
Children are a gift from God, Christa. Just ask those women who can’t have them and ache because they can’t.
I would not be the woman I am today had I not had children.