The High Cost of Poor Communication

July 11th, 2006

Our cell phone bill came last week and was three times what it should have been. I like to keep in touch and talk with family and friends, but can’t afford to do it that much! Some of it had to do with our move because during that time our cell phones were the easiest way to reach us and for us to use to reach others. But now that we are all settled into our new place with a home phone and internet I am hoping that next month’s bill will be back to normal.

I was pretty disappointed about having to pay all this money for a few dozen conversations, but I think it reminded me to be careful of something Proverbs 10:19 warns us about–

“Where words are many sin is not absent,
but he who holds his tongue is wise.”

All of those conversations were not sinful or a waste of time. In fact most of them were very good. But I know that talking too much can get me into trouble either in saying more than I should or words that are not edifying to the one listening to me. I don’t think I would ever want to be described as a being a big talker! So I was reminded that I could do well to just talk less and listen more.

This proverb also reminded me about the wisdom of holding my tongue. Sometimes I don’t think before I speak and the moment the words are out I wish I hadn’t said them. I will never forget one time that I started making a smart remark about something to Bobby but I looked up at his face and his expression stopped me. I could see that my comment was unnecessary, unloving and hurtful. It seems that it is most challenging to hold my tongue with those I am closest to. I remember when I was growing up I could be so nice and polite out in public and with friends, but back home it was easy to be unkind with my words toward my family or quick to gossip about something to them.

It can be easy to blame communication struggles on anything but ourselves. Sometimes we blame it on situations–traffic, finances, and time. Or we blame it on others–spouse, boss, co-workers, and parents. Sometimes we even blame God–”If I only had…more money, more understanding spouse/parents, a better church, and more supportive family.” We somehow think that if we had these things we’d communicate in a way that honors Him and loves others. The reality is that all these things we find to blame our poor communication on are merely opportunities for us to grow to be better with our words. Even the most inflammatory reaction does not warrant or justify an ungodly response. (Proverbs 15:1)

One of my favorite books is called War of Words: Getting to the heart of your communication struggles. I cannot read this book too many times because when I learn to stop one bad way of communicating I seem to develop a new one. Now that we have a baby it I’m learning that there are a few challenges to communicating that I didn’t experience before. Like how to talk calmly and lovingly toward Bobby when Tyler is wailing and squirming in my arms–then it really feels like a battle. But the truth is that every time we talk to someone we have an opportunity to glorify God. I like how in War of Words Paul Tripp writes this–

————————————-
There is probably no more important perspective on our
everyday life than this: God is at work in every situation to
conform us to the image of His Son.

When we complain about the problems and pressures in
our lives, we are essentially grumbling in the face of God.
We are complaining that we have been chosen by His love
and grace, and that He is putting us in situations designed
to make us His holy people! Understanding this will do
much to alter the way we talk. (p.77)
————————————-

Sometimes I justify sinful words by burying them in my good intentions. I think that I want to be organized, on time, have an orderly home and godly relationships with others. But when the computer won’t work or someone is difficult or I don’t get my errands run that I end up being sarcastic, hurtful, or saying unnecessary words. Tripp cuts straight to the heart–,

————————————-
“Do your words acknowledge the sovereign plan of God
over all your circumstances for your sanctification?

I tend to forget that God is focused not on the “success” of
my day but on the godliness of my character. I tend to
focus on the results. He is committed to the process of making
me holy. In my anger and frustration, I am not fighting people
and situations, but God. (p.78)
————————————-

I need to get my thoughts about myself in line with God’s thoughts toward me, which are for me to be like Christ. If this was at the forefront of my mind, I would not be surprised by challenges and hardships and my words would probably consider my words more carefully before saying them. My words aren’t jumping out of my mouth without my consent. My circumstances aren’t forcing me to speak unloving words to my husband. Proverbs 18:21 says, “Words kill, words give life; they are either poison or fruit–you choose.”


Nothing apart from Him

July 3rd, 2006

I’ve been having a wonderful time this last week! Early on in the week I enjoyed my first meeting with the other ladies in the “Ministry Wives” group at our church. Pastor Mike’s wife, Carlynn exhorted us to learn from the example set by a ministry wife–Sarah Edwards, who left a great impact on numerous lives as she kept her home in order, raised eleven children and faithfully loved and served alongside her husband. I was struck by the quotes Carlynn read of how people were deeply affected by her hospitality, unordinary cheerfulness and meaningful conversation. She has an amazing life story which inspired me to seek the qualities that she possessed, namely the depth and intimacy she shared with the Lord.

This discussion about Sarah Edwards had me thinking a lot on how I could be a more godly wife and helper to Bobby because Thursday we celebrated our 4-year anniversary! I can see many ways that we have matured and grown together and I want to continue seeking opportunities to improve as a companion to Bobby, in keeping our home and now as a mother.

I was reflecting on some of the key things I have learned since I’ve been married. I remember someone telling me early on in the first year of marriage that God’s desire was more for my holiness than my happiness in marriage. I thought, that was true, but I feel now that I am learning just how true that is. Now, this is not to say that I am not happy in marriage, I am very much! What I am saying is that marriage has been like a green house for me. I think I’ve probably had more temptations, discouragements and frustrations as a wife than I ever had when I was single. Bobby is a wonderful husband because he is first of all very forgiving toward me and second, concerned about my number one priority–God. Every day he is asking me, “Did you do your daily Bible reading?” “Have you prayed about this or that?” He is a great accountability for me.

One of the main things I think I’ve learned is how necessary it is to command my thoughts and feelings when they want to stray to “self.” I have found it very easy to feel sorry for myself if I start to think about all that I’m doing for others. Because then I start thinking, “What am I getting?” But reality is that I’m not able to do anything for others without the ability that the Lord provides as I depend on Him. John 15:5 says, “Apart from Me you can do nothing.” God doesn’t provide the ability for me to only fill my role out of duty either. He changes my heart and mind so that my feelings and thoughts can come into submission to His will so that I can love and serve Bobby with a whole heart as doing it unto the Lord.

In Carolyn Mahaney’s book Feminine Appeal she writes:

“What we allow to govern our feelings and occupy our thinking
will sooner or later determine our behavior. Sinful thoughts and
sinful feelings lead to sinful behavior. Therefore, dare not ignore
these faculties, but we must exercise self-control in them.”
p. 73

I appreciate her warning not to ignore the need to govern thoughts and feelings. I get frustrated with myself at how easily I can throw a pity party inside my head or just how my thoughts can be serving my husband and in one second be consumed with “me.” Being selfish is not something we have to go to school to learn how to be. We are naturally preoccupied with self, and our comforts and our wellbeing. That is why Philippians 2 gives us the example of Christ’s selflessness–

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in lowliness of mined let each esteem others better than
himself. Let each of you look not only for his own interests,
but also for the interests of others.”
Philippians 2:3-4

Though I have learned some truths about selflessness, I still have a long way to go. My encouragement is found in the promises of God that grant me the mercy of each new day, forgiveness when I fail and the assurance that “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)



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