To Hold or Not To Hold…?
A lot of people these days want to hold baby Tyler. And I don’t blame them. He’s cute and cuddly, smiles and squeals, makes cooing and razzing sounds–why wouldn’t they want to hold him? But I am struggling with not always comfortable with people holding him.
When Tyler was just a newborn, not that many people asked to hold him but when people did they were so careful, washed their hands and sat down. Now he’s almost six months old and people will simply walk up and try to snatch him away or ask to hold him a lot. I don’t know if most new moms or just younger moms feel this way…maybe it’s just me! If a fifty year old mother of four walks up to me and as we talk reaches for little Tyler, I don’t even hesitate to let her hold him. But if a loud excitable junior higher jumps around saying, “Please can I hold him!!!!” I’m not very willing to oblige. But in the next moment a polite 10 year old boy says, “May I hold the baby?” and I let him. I think that it has to do with the person asking and how they act to me. If they are loud and seem kind of forward or spastic and crazy I’m hesitant. If they ignore me and always just say “hi” to Tyler but never even talk to me and reach for him, I hold him tighter. I don’t always feel weird about it just usually with people I don’t know.
I know that as Tyler grows up something like this will go away because I’ll just get used to him being around all kinds of people. In the meantime this issue seems to be an obstacle because people keep asking and I keep feeling uncomfortable.
I was thinking about it today, because with Camp Compass going on there always seems to be someone wanting to hold the baby. And what I realized is that if I know someone I feel comfortable because I’m confident that the person is looking out for him, they aren’t yelling in his ears or being too rough with him or going to drop him. I know enough about them to know that he’s fine with them. I always like it when our friends hold him and play with him. Brad held Tyler for the first time yesterday. Not because we weren’t comfortable, he just never had and it was sweet because we could tell that Tyler liked him.
I would think that this is a good and even instinctive response for a mom to have. Maybe it helps him know who it’s okay to be with, I mean I don’t want Tyler to get used to just anyone and going off with strangers. And I think that Bobby and I have a good feel of who Tyler is comfortable with. I can tell pretty easily if Tyler would even like being held by the person anyway. But that is where the problem is–I don’t want to offend people by saying, “I’m really not comfortable…” and I don’t want him to be happy only with us either. Is this something I’ll grow out of or a legitimate concern?
August 9th, 2006
I think you’re quite right. I don’t have any kids so I don’t know how you feel but I’ve been around kids long enough when they want someone to hold them and when they don’t. I’d never dream of going up to a stranger with a baby and asking for a hold.
August 9th, 2006
We both know I don’t have children yet, but I do think it is a legitimate concern to want Tyler taken care of by who is holding him. If it is someone excitable and spastic, I would suggest that you have them sit down before holding him. It’s easier to maintain control if they aren’t moving around and you also can contain the person to one area where you have supervision.
I think your concern about Tyler not being comfortable going anywhere with anyone is legitimate. I’m sure quite a bit of that teaching comes in when he’s a bit older as well. I’m sure your desire is that he is kind and friendly to everyone, but not to necessarily trust everyone he comes in contact with but to exercise discernment. How do you teach that to a young child except by example?
Good questions, Christa. I’m looking forward to others answering you as well.
August 9th, 2006
Hi Christa!!!
I thought this was an interesting post. One thing just to add, stranger and separation anxiety both should manifest in Tyler in the next month or so. Most children will develop a fear of anyone aside their primary caregiver. This might make it easier for you to kindly decline the request when Tyler is crying.
August 10th, 2006
Hi Christa, I am glad to see someone brought up the stranger anxiety. All of my kids went through that in differing degrees. I can see how that would make it easier to avoid the situation because he might be reluctant and turn his head or hold you tighter. I think I had more of a problem with this when my kids were babies because I worried about their heads being held correctly and germs. I remember complete strangers at the grocery store touching the baby’s face and that would drive me crazy.
I think it would be a good idea to have someone sit down, if you are not comfortable with them standing up while holding him.
August 10th, 2006
How interesting, Christa. Seeing that Judah is only a month younger than Tyler, I can relate to what you are talking about…but in a relaxed way. When Judah was a newborn, it seemed like more women wanted to hold him and I let them. Granted, I knew who they were, they are all older women, and they are all from church (since that is my social life). Several even commented about how they loved that I was so free in letting others hold Judah and that it was good for him and me. I guess I was ok with it because I trusted them, newborns have GREAT immunity if nursed, and I knew it was my chance at a small break. And it was precious to see memories in their eyes of their own early motherhood days.
However, now that Judah is older, not many ask to hold him anymore. Odd, huh? I didn’t do anything…they just stopped asking and reaching for him. We’ll see if that still holds true once the women’s ministry starts back up soon.
As far as stranger anxiety, I have not seen it much in Judah. He seems love love *almost* everyone. The few he is trepidacious about, sometimes he likes them sometimes not. It’s pitiful. Two of the women who visited us in the hospital, in particular, sometimes when Judah stares at them he gets a severe frown and his eyes well up followed by a whimpering cry. And they are the two women that have held him most. Hmm.
I will say that when we have been around people or places that I am not as familiar with, our downstairs neighbors who have two young kids for example, I always give him a wipe-down with wipies or a full bath as a precaution. Not that they are “dirty,” just a mommy-instinct which I do think is healthy. Other than that, we are not in control of what germs transfer from people and things to our sweet little boys’ bodies. God’s in control!
I hope my thoughts can help jumpstart your brain on ideas and nailing down what you want for Tyler.
August 10th, 2006
I think in this case, honesty is the best policy. You are the one who takes care of him in happiness and in sadness, and I think it’s very unfair how people will hold a baby until they get all fussy and then gladly give them up to you- what is that?? I feel weird about strangers holding Tyler too and I don’t even see him that often, ha. I’ll be planning that visit soon.
August 11th, 2006
Christa,
I think you show wisdom and discernment in your handling of other people’s handling of Tyler. I know from experience that you are open to others, people you know and trust, holding Tyler. That is good. But you are concerned about letting anybody and everybody hold him. That also is good.
The key is to maintain a balance that you, Bobby, and Tyler are comfortable with. It is important to encourage Tyler to socialize with others, and you don’t want him to be overly dependent on you to the point where he is with you and only you 24/7 and you can have no alone time with your husband. A baby’s bond with mom is natural and special and important, but I have seen some moms overdo it. I am thankful for your obvious love for Tyler and his obvious love for you, and for your willingness to share him with others.
I also appreciate your concern for his health and safety. I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable. Be sure to couch your refusals in kind, gentle terms, and a warm smile, and then you aren’t being offensive. If someone persists perhaps you could offer that they hold him at a different time and place–when they and he are calm, they can wash up, sit, etc.
So keep up the loving and discerning mothering!
August 12th, 2006
Thank you all for the thoughts and advice!
September 7th, 2006
personally i think its more of a ligit. worry because when i was a little younger and so was my younger cousin and i was out with them at church and what not and people were like ohh hes so cute can i hold him and some kids bouncing and what not like you said i was always like really concerned cause kids are wiggly and stuff so they can be hard to hold and well peronally i didn’t let to many people hold chris while i was around but thats just me =]