Christian love…is not an impulse from the feelings, it does not always run with natural inclinations, nor does it spend itself only upon those for whom some affinity is discovered…love seeks the opportunity to do good to all men…a practical love (one person to another).

W.E. Vine, quoted in The Excellent Wife, p. 83

In chapter 9 of Martha Peace’s The Excellent Wife she unpacks the meaning of godly love, presents three main hindrances to that love and compels Christian wives to heed the unmistakable command to love our husbands with a Biblical love. Martha has such a way of calling out the issues and excuses and then coming alongside with pointed Scriptures to get our focus on obeying God. It doesn’t always feel good as I’m reading it, but it almost always hits home with just what I need to work on in my role as wife.

A new commandment I give you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.

John 13:34-35

We must love our husbands because all Christians are called to love others. There is an epidemic in marriages today where wives no longer feel “in love” with their husbands. No matter what he’s doing or how we feel we are still called to obey this command of love. As the first quote describes, godly love is not based on circumstances or feelings. Love is a choice and we need to make this choice every day toward our husbands. Choosing to love isn’t going to be easy and what hinders us usually falls into one of these three categories: selfishness, bitterness and fear. These three may be major struggles for some wives, but by God’s grace we can put off our sinful responses and choose to think and act like Christ.

In our hedonistic, narcissistic culture it is revolutionary to hear someone say, “Deny yourself.” “Put others first.” Yet, this is exactly what God tells us to do. It is a paradox. In other words, we have to do the opposite of what seems logical. Generally speaking, to have the happiness, joy and fulfillment you desire, you must put yourself aside and place God and others first. In regards to earthly relationships, you must put your husband first. In regards to your relationship with God, set your heart on glorifying God whether you ever have your way or not.

The Excellent Wife, p. 85

This quote was a major, much needed jab to the heart. I definitely get that I must deny myself and put others first. I grasp this Biblical command and strive for it daily. What really got me, though, was the last sentence. Peace’s admonition that my heart ought to be so set on glorifying God that it should not be an issue whether I get what I want or not.

Sometimes I find myself cycling through goals and prayers, wanting to be persistent and patient but always reaching a point where I start saying, “Lord, what is going on? Why hasn’t this changed? I don’t think I can go on like this!” Much like a two-year-old melt down, I reach a point where I stop obeying and instead of choosing to love I choose to sin, giving way to things like selfishness, bitterness or fear. But God does not want fickle ultimatums and prideful demands. He wants a selfless heart that is consumed with relentless devotion to His glory.

Choosing to love is not easy. We need prayer and accountability to change. At the conclusion of this chapter Peace encourages us to work on this diligently because learning to love will not just happen instantly. She urges us that, as the greatest commandment, putting on love “should be the character quality on which you work the hardest.” (p. 105) I hope this chapter recap has sparked some specific and concrete ways that you will work harder in your life to love your husband and others Biblically!