One Sunday morning several years ago my husband walked out of the bathroom ready to go to church. Right away I noticed that his tie and shirt did not match. So I said sarcastically, “You’re not going to wear that tie are you?” What followed was a difficult moment because obviously he was going to wear it. Finally he replied in a slightly irritated tone, “Yes, what’s wrong with it?” So I proceeded to tell him.

Later as I thought about this incident, I realized that my question must have made him feel foolish. If he had answered, “No, I’m not going to wear it,” he would have been lying because he already had it on. If he had answered, “Yes I am going to wear it,” it was apparent that I thought he looked ridiculous. There was no gracious was for him to change his tie without feeling foolish. As I thought about how I made him feel, I also thought about the Scripture that admonishes a wife to “see to it that she respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).

I know that as his “helper suitable” (Genesis 2:20) that he needed my help, not my sarcastic “put down.” My first responsibility before God in this situation was to be respectful and my second was to make helpful suggestions.

The Excellent Wife, p. 107

Most women probably see Martha Peace’s scenario as inconsequential. Her husband was wearing a bad tie and she gave him a hard time for it…what’s the big deal? But amidst he story, Peace quotes God’s command to us in Ephesians 5:33–a wife must respect her husband–this instruction puts the whole story into perspective. You and I are to respect our husbands. This is a command. It isn’t conditional or up for debate. We must obey it.

As I read chapter ten from Martha Peace’s The Excellent Wife I was struck with conviction about how I do not respect my husband. Something I do that I had not really considered to be disrespect came to light. I tend to be sarcastic with my husband making comments very similar to Peace’s story above. Seeing that has helped me to watch what I say before I speak to my husband and also to look for ways to show my respect for him and discipline myself to slow down and remember that God commands me to do this.

re·spect

high or special regard, esteem, honor, deference

Several friends have expressed to me a great struggle with this command. They don’t feel that their husband deserves or has earned their respect so they only give it to him conditionally. But God doesn’t tell us to respect our husbands based on what he is doing right, how he treats us, or if we deem them worthy. We are to respect him because God tells us to and because of his position.

“Christ is the head of every man and the man is the head of woman,
and God is the head of Christ.” 1 Corinthians 11:3

God has instituted positions of authority in our homes, churches and government. Each of these positions are to be respected simply for the fact that God has appointed each person to be that authority and commands us to respect them. Your husband might be making terrible decisions, not be the leader you want him to be and may not even be a Christian. But if you are a Christian wife you are called to respect him. “You may be smarter, wiser, or more gifted than your husband, but you are still to respect the position that God has given him.” (The Excellent Wife, 109)

Our heart attitude, actions and words are to be conducted with respect. When you disagree or confront your husband, do it with respect. When you pick up after him in your home, don’t grumble in your heart, do it with respect. If he asks you to do something don’t sigh and roll your eyes, respond with respect. This isn’t something that comes naturally to us. We must work at it and it will take time and prayer to make progress. I hope you are willing to evaluate your respect for your husband and commit to being obedient to God’s command doing whatever that means you need to change.